So, as it turns out, I have a Livejournal account I didn't even know existed. THAT'S the one they wanted to delete. I have no idea how, when or why that account was created, but they are more than welcome to delete it.

In other news, I have decided to set myself daily goals for studying. Being on quetiapine makes staying awake a pretty massive challenge, but now that I've slept another couple of hours, I think I'm ready. Ready, that is, to go to Asda and buy PEPSI. I must have pepsi. And maybe some chocolate. Also, I probably need some food.

And then I will continue to read this lovely book called Aural Awareness.

Fun times indeed.

Just because I haven't felt like writing for a long time, it doesn't mean that I don't want to keep my account! I still visit some of the communities, doesn't that count for something? I'm tired and unmotivated, because I'm sick. I have other things on my plate. In fact, I have had to apply for mitigating circumstances (again) because I feel like I am an empty shell. I was going to write an annotated bibliography, so I did all this research for it. I spent hours on that shit. But in the end there was just...nothing. I feel nothing. I've got nothing.

Nothing.

So Livejournal, I need time. But I don't want to go missing in the meantime.

That is all. Thank you and good day.

Dear you,
Thank you so much. You are a delightful human being who makes me feel comfortable in a situation where I would normally feel anxious and uneasy. And I've learned so much about singing technique and posture and breathing, because you explain things in a way I can actually understand. It also seems like you believe that I have what it takes to succeed, which makes me feel so much better than I have before. So again, THANK YOU.
Love,
me



Dear you,
I want to hate you, but I can't. It's been a year, but I can't get you out of my mind. YOU did this to me. I should be furious. But I'm just losing my mind, wishing you were here. I keep meeting guys who are creepers and shitheads, and they make me wish you were here more than anything. There are no other guys like you out there, are there? But even though I wish you were here, I'm glad you're not, in a way. Because it would make things even harder. You being here wouldn't make any difference, I'd still be the same person, and that means you'd still be too good for me. That's why I did what I did that night. That's why I was acting that way towards you. It scared me to death. I hope you find someone who is a lot better than I am. You deserve that. And I hope I stop feeling this way, some time in the future. Because even though I ran in the opposite direction for the right reasons, it still hurts. I'm working on it.
Love,
me

It's currently 7:21am. I've been up all night, as per usual. And I'm sick. Great.

The flu symptoms have been on and off for days. Sore throat, headaches, backaches, etc. But I thought I had kicked it on Friday after a couple of days of feeling under the weather. I started feeling better, less tired, in the evening. So I did some house scrubbing (we're washing and re-painting the house this summer), and then I went for a short run, JUST because I felt like I had the energy to actually do that. I haven't gone for a run like that in weeks.

Bad idea. Woke up yesterday feeling like crap. Exhausted and sick. I had put too much of a strain on myself - again. I managed to roll out of bed at 3pm, but I had to get some painkillers and go back to sleep a couple of hours later. I woke up at 7:30pm, drained in sweat. But I felt better, the fever had left my body, and it no longer felt as if my face was about to explode. But now I have a cold, which is EPIC SUCK.

What has happened to my life? I used to be full of energy, and happy. Now I'm just tired, drained and sad. I feel so limited. I cannot lead a normal life. Whenever I say to people in my family that I'm tired, they say something like "well, I'M tired TOO!" and I wonder if they actually feel as exhausted and shitty as I do. Maybe I'm just weak. But actually, I refuse to believe that anyone could put up with feeling like this all the fucking time without being able to take a fucking BREAK. THEIR lives go on, they never succumb to their tiredness. I nearly went under because of it. I couldn't deal. I had to put my life on hold and move back home. Surrender. I was so tired it felt like I was falling into an endless black hole, and there was no light; just darkness.

After I stopped, and eventually decided to change direction, there IS light again. But I NEED my life back. I feel like I'm more dead than alive sometimes. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. If I strain myself too much, it WILL make me sick. It isn't fair. And this particular illness sucks balls because no one takes you seriously. They think you're full of shit and crapcakes. I just want to scream, and shout, WELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING FUN AND ENJOYING LIFE?!

I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. I cannot deal with any kind of pressure. I WANT TO do stuff, but my body says no. And it makes me so fucking mad. LIVID.

I feel like I have been alive, yet mostly dead, for the past five years. I've been through some serious lows, where I felt like my life wasn't worth anything, and some emotionally flat periods where I've just been OKAY, but not really good. Nowadays I feel better, but I'm still not happy. I'm coping. Moving on. Moving to London to study music. It just occurred to me that it's mostly about the need for complete CHANGE. I do not want the old. The old is empty and meaningless and depressing, and I have no need for it. I need to get far away from it. I need a new life. I need London. It represents opportunity and a fresh start. I can be someone else.

But first I need to feel like myself again. I need this illness to be gone so I can move on.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

How am I supposed to find happiness when I can't even find the energy to get out of bed?

Yesterday was such a bad day. I was so tired, I had energy for absolutely nothing. All I did was sit and watch meaningless TV for hours. I barely ate anything, because I didn't have the energy to do that. And I literally felt sick. Pretty sure I had a fever.

I put too much strain on myself this weekend, and on the 17th of May as well, our national holiday. If I'm having a good day, I wanna take advantage of it. That's always the way it is, even though I KNOW I'll have to pay for it later. I can't sit back and just watch myself fall apart anymore. I wanna stay healthy. I wanna get in shape. But my body just won't allow me to do that. It's so frustrating.

Today was better. Today was actually a good day. I went for a run, then I spent the afternoon and evening with my grandma, my cousin who just got back from Miami, and my aunt who we drove up to for a quick visit. Ate lots of cake (so healthy, hah), and talked. It was really nice.

My cousin left my grandma's around 8:30pm, and I stayed and talked to my grandma for a couple of hours after that. Ended up playing her one of my songs, and she told me she really liked it, and that I should keep writing music, because it actually means something. It was actually the first time I played my music for ANYONE, so it was nice to get some positive feedback. I shall keep the dream alive.

I'm doing my best to get back on my feet, but I keep falling back down. It's definitely taking its toll on me. Every time.  I won't let it stop me, but it IS slowing me down.

Going to Denmark tomorrow to visit my sister. My parents, 12-year-old sister and I are driving to Göteborg (in Sweden) to take the boat over to Frederikshavn in Denmark. I just hope I'm not too tired tomorrow, or during the following days. Need to just relax and have a good time while I'm there.

I get back home on Monday, and one of the first things on my to-do list is booking an appointment to see my doctor. Need him to get me an appointment with an ME expert, who is actually able to diagnose me with this illness. Maybe THAT will make people take me seriously. I'm so tired of people looking down on me and not taking me seriously at all. I just don't get it. Why would I WANT to be like this? It's not like I CHOSE this condition. But people treat me like I'm some kind of fake, and it makes me want to cry. How am I gonna get better if all I get is shit? I KNOW I'm a huge disappointment, there's no need to tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm trying, I really am.

The search for happiness continues. And so does the search for some frickin ENERGY.

Last week I wrote that I was going to create my own Happiness Project. I'm going to focus on all the good things in life, do things that I genuinely enjoy, and just be happy for once.

And so the search for Happiness begins.

I have started to read this book by Eckhart Tolle called "The Power of Now", and on the cover it says that it's "A guide to spiritual enlightenment". Now, I'm not expecting to be spiritually enlightened or anything, but maybe this book can help me change my outlook on life. I've never seen myself as someone who would actually read one of those "self-help" books, but I'll give it a try. There's a first time for everything, right?

In addition to reading books (I have a few other books on my list as well), I am going to focus on my music. Even on the darkest of days, singing and playing my instruments always makes me feel better. I see it as a form of therapy, almost. If I'm feeling anxious, often for no apparent reason, I can just pick up that guitar standing next to my bed, sing a song, and instantly feel better. Music is such an important part of who I am. I also need to work towards achieving an ultimate goal. The first step on the way is getting a BA in Music. And unless I actually read music theory, I won't get there. So I have to pick that book back up again sometime soon. But I'm not going to do more than I can handle. If I'm tired, I'll just have to accept that. I have to accept life for what it is, even if it's not always perfect. It can still be good, and filled with happiness. I am convinced of that.

I need to start writing again. Songs, mainly, but also short stories. It's a creative outlet, and also a form of therapy. It allows me to get some of my feelings out of my system, in a way, and I have way too many feelings to keep them all inside. So writing is absolutely essential to my well being. But I need to be INSPIRED. Get out more, enjoy life, look at the birds, walk among people, talk to a friend... you name it. I need to find inspiration in everyday life.

I want to start taking pictures again. Just to document LIFE and how beautiful the world can be. (I'm starting to sound like a walking cliche, and I know it, but don't you DARE rain on my parade.) I also need to just SMILE more often. Like John in Ally McBeal, with his smiling therapy. So cute. I need to start doing that too. Whenever someone is bugging me... to just sit back, look at them and smile. How cool would that be? I know I won't be able to actually DO that, but it's definitely an amusing idea, and I would really like to at least try it sometime. Instead of getting angry, which is usually such a waste, and almost always makes me feel bad anyway. Instead I should just take a moment, consider whether it's actually worth getting worked up over, and in most cases I'll realise that it really isn't. And then I'll just smile instead. Ha. Yes. I'm liking this plan.

I'm also going to keep up this eating healthy and exercising thing I've started doing this year. It has already made me feel so much better about myself, and not only because I've lost 10 pounds. But I will definitely allow myself to eat chocolate or ice cream every once in a while. Life would just be too boring if I didn't. :)

So anyway, that's it for now. I hope you're all out there searching for YOUR happiness, and hopefully also finding it. Or maybe you already have? :)

HUMANS! (Opening my  entry in manner of Tim Daly. Just because.)

I feel compelled to write a completely random entry. Especially since my last entry was such a downer. But I feel better now. Mainly because I am OVER IT. I no longer give a rat's ass about a certain someone. I just can't bring myself to care anymore. I think what I experienced a few days ago was what one refers to as "breaking point". I now finally understand what that means. I was feeling extremely low, kind of like the end was near, or something. Can't really explain the feeling. It was emptiness.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have moved from feeling empty and drained to feeling SUPER. But I have moved on, at least. I no longer think about him that way. I see no reason to anymore. And it took me six months to get here, so I feel liberated, in a way. Like I can finally breathe again. Focus on more important things. It's a good feeling.

What do I need a man for anyway? NOTHING. I am a strong and independent woman. I need no one but myself. If I wanna dress up, put make-up on, I'll do it for MYSELF. If I wanna lose 10 pounds, I'll do that for myself as well. MY life is about ME.

Speaking of! I HAVE actually lost 10 pounds. Yesterday I actually got into a pair of jeans that belong to my sister. Size 32. Crazy. But I feel so much better about myself. I don't understand what has happened to me, though. I have turned into such a GIRL. Until recently (about two weeks ago) I didn't even own a pair of heels. Now I own TWO, and it definitely won't stop with that. And I'm buying clothes all the time, especially cute dresses. I also find myself putting on make-up just for the fun of it if I'm bored. WHO THE HELL IS THIS GIRL? AND WHERE DID LINGE GO? I'm also obsessed with my weight. I never used to be. I'm all about eating healthy and working out these days. Even if I probably shouldn't be doing too much because of this little thing called ME. I'm so tired of this illness. I've probably had it for like, 4-5 years as well. And I was never aware of it. Fail. But thinking back, I've been tired and messed up like this for YEARS. But I can't let it stop me from living my life. I AM going back to university in September. I just have to learn how to deal with it. At least I will be doing the thing I am most passionate about in my life, which is music. It IS the love of my life. And I will not come unprepared this time around. I will know all the basic music theory stuff before I attend my very first lecture. I have done my reading. I'm ready! (To face the music! Ha.)

I haven't played any instruments in a couple of weeks, for some reason. Need to start playing again. The guitar is standing next to my bed, ready to be used. And I need to continue working on my song, on the piano. The university has all these recording studios, so my plan is to record a demo as soon as I'm ready. Which will take at least another year, I guess, because I'm such a perfectionist. But I WILL get there.

Also, I need to finish reading the first part of The AB Guide to Music Theory, and start doing exercises. September will be here before I know it.

I woke up today feeling numb and empty. So I just laid in bed for hours, staring at the walls. I couldn't bring myself to get up. I found myself thinking, is this the end?

I just don't know what the point is anymore. I'm trying, I really am, but I feel SO EMPTY. I desperately need to be in control of my own life again. It keeps drifting away from me. Every time I think I'm closing in on it, it slips away again.

Why do I constantly allow my insecurities to define me? I just keep thinking that everything is wrong with me. Because surely that must be it, right? I am just so WRONG, in every possible way? That is why no one cares. Julia Murney's song "I'm Not Waiting" asks all the right questions. Am I old? Am I dumb? Do I wear the wrong kind of jeans? Am I fat? Am I slow? Do I read the wrong magazines? Am I all the wrong in-betweens? I would just like to KNOW. I am so tired of feeling like this.

I'm losing interest in stuff. I have to force myself to do simple things. This afternoon I MADE myself clean my room, just because I had to feel like I was in control of something. That is also why I don't eat, I think. I feel like I am in control of my own body if I don't. Also, I'm tired of feeling fat. And before you roll your eyes at me: I REALLY AM, KAY? And I have the right to lose weight if I want to. I'M the one who gets to decide what I'm going to eat, and how much. I'm in control of that, and no one can take that away from me. And you have to start somewhere, right? Even when life is dark and everything seems impossible, you have to keep on going. And you have to do whatever it takes in order to do that.

Blerg. I have the attention span of a 3-year-old. I can't even stick to one topic. I can't focus on anything these days. I try, but after reading ONE page, or writing ONE passage of something, I can't concentrate anymore. I also have no energy; I can't even bring myself to do simple tasks sometimes. And that makes me feel like a huge failure. So in the end, I do them anyway, to feel better, and more in control. But I never feel in control for long anyway. It just comes and goes. I never really feel better either. I just feel tired. Drained. Worthless.

Why should anyone love me? I don't even love myself. I don't even ACCEPT myself. Honestly, I feel like I have, yet again, taken several HUGE steps in the wrong direction. I have no idea how I allowed that to happen. I was making progress. At least I thought I was. But this weekend was one slap in the face after another, and I got beaten down again. I don't understand why I let stuff get to me. I wish I didn't.

I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about a certain someone. Wondering if I should just delete him from Facebook. That way I can't check to see if he's online every five minutes and drive myself crazy. I would no longer be able to contact him. I would no longer see his name in my news feed. I would be one step closer to finally moving on with my life? I honestly don't know why I do these things to myself.

This has been a bad couple of days. Maybe the next couple of days will be better. Who knows. But I need a new project. A happiness project. Like that book by Gretchen Rubin. I just have to figure out what I would like to focus on, what I would like to achieve, and go from there.

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on staying alive, and breathing.

Dear you,

Every time your name pops up in my Facebook newsfeed, I just want to scream and throw things. I hate you for making me feel this way. I know, that's not fair, but I can't deal with fairness right now. This makes absolutely no sense to me, so I'm blaming you. It's unfamiliar emotional territory that I've never had to deal with before, so I'm more than a little confused. I feel lost. I would like to be able to turn and go back to where I was before, but then I'd have to un-meet you. And sadly, that's just not possible. I keep thinking that maybe, if I could just see you again, this whole thing would pass. I would finally figure out that it's NOTHING, and move on. So a part of me is actually hoping that I get to see you again soon. But another part of me would freak out and die, and I know it. And I NEVER wanted to be that girl. Ever. So thanks a lot for that.

Love
Me


Dear you,

You confuse me. Sometimes you act like you're the most understanding person in the world, and you're actually aware of the fact that I'm not well. But other times you get upset and find ways to make me feel incredibly bad for being this way (and I already feel pretty bad about it most of the time). I'll just say something as simple as "I'm tired", and you'll start going off about how my tiredness is unjustified, because I haven't actually done anything. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? THAT'S why I'm so frustrated. If I HAD a reason to be tired, it would be alright. Understandable, at least. But I don't always have a "reason" to be tired, and sometimes I have ridiculously bad days when everything is PAIN and I feel like I'm sick. And if you think it's hard for YOU, imagine how those days are for ME. I know I disappoint you in every possible way, but I'm trying. I really am.

Love
Me


Dear you,

Apparently, you don't understand where I'm coming from. You don't understand all the bitterness I'm dealing with when it comes to you. We've never had a very good relationship, and you know that. So why are you acting like it's something we can just leave behind? It's always going to bother me, especially as long as I'm still sick. As long as you keep making me feel bad about myself, and keep making me feel guilty for every little thing I do, I'm gonna keep going into defense mode and attack you. NOT because I want to fight with you, but because it's the only way I'll be able to deal with it without losing my mind. You need to realise that.

Love
Me